Today was my penultimate day at Tearfund. It has been a real priveledge, and really enjoyable. I’ve learnt so much from so many people. It really has been a little bit of heaven-  a sight of what the kingdom of God looks like in many different ways- through friendships, through courageous leadership, and prophetic words.

Thanks to everyone who has said kind words, and who were around at my leaving drinks/cakes. It meant a lot, and was lovely. I feel like I am leaving having done what I wanted to do, and moving on to new things, and different challenges. I’m not quite sure what they look like, but it will be an interesting and exciting journey.

So, what has been my inspiration. Well i’ve had an amazing break in Paris- what I loved was coming out of the UK and to a developed and functioning society with very different values than we have in the Uk. I enjoyed how much less consumerist things appear- less ‘in your face’ adverts, and a much healthier approach to food!

Where we were staying was a really funky and creative district- lots of ‘banksy-esque’ stensils, and loungey cafes.

It was beautiful weather, and lots of real joys and suprises- like cut-out butterflies hanging down from the bridges (Laura loves butterflies!) matching the colours of the leaves gently falling from the trees.

Butterflies hanging from bridge in Paris

We decided to see the ‘interesting’ side of Paris. The Eiffel tower bores me! France hasn’t had the most culturally exciting of histories- a aristocratic class, Napoleon, and not a very successful start to the 20th Century- what it has done well at is in its painters and its modern art is great too. We visited the Musee D’Orcy, which was great- lots of classic paintings and sculptures to see (and reduced admission if you are 30 or under- how good is that!), and also the Pompideu Centre. This was brilliant- I love the building, which is interesting in and of itself, but the exhibitions were great- a photographic history of the Surrealist movement- which cataloged them as a bunch of people having fun, slowly getting darker and darker as they did more and more to shock, and explored the recesses of their subconscious mind- and didn’t find very nice things! Lesson here, is stick to things that are beautiful. In a completely mad way, I really enjoyed the next exhibition, which was paintings entirely in Black- Pierre Soulage. It saw the world differently, experimenting with how the reflections from an entirely black image actually allowed him to get closer to revealing the qualities of light, in a paradoxical way. It was great- my kind of art- big, textured, bold and intriguing.
However, by far my favourite exhibition was Jim Hodges, who quite possibly just does the most beautiful art I have ever seen. It was all just low key and simple- but here was an exhibition of the most breathtakingly natural and evocative pieces. This creativity, based on creation, is something that both Laura and I love! It was sheer pleasure, and I left inspired to try and recreate something of that.

The last piece of inspiration has been Rob Bell’s book ‘Drops like stars’, which explores the space of pain and suffering – which we normally attempt to sanitise or ignore, and looks at its creative power. In these times of struggle, of disappointment and questioning comes the things that truly make us human, when we learn what makes life special, and which if we are able to capture the essence of, through creative expression, can be both tremendously cathartic, but also amazingly powerful. Some of the best works of art or music were born out of these times of frustration or pain.

This reminds me of a writer who I have been reading a lot of recently – Henri Nouwen, a Catholic priest who was a brilliant writer, but who chose to spend his last year living with the l’Arche community, people with special needs. In spending time with them he learnt so much about himself and the nature of God, and was able to write some tremendously helpful reflections on this. One of these was ‘The Wounded Healer’, which stresses the importance of solidarity with people as they go through suffering, of being there with them- as they lie in hospital, and of giving them hope of a future beyond what they are experiencing at the moment, to enable them to dig deep when they might be tempted to let go of life. Nouwen explores how fears we may have over our own mortality may prevent us from taking this step of solidarity; to do connect with God and stand with the person in suffering- a hard step to take, but a tremendously important one.

There is so much in life to enjoy, and so much that is hard to express through words, but which can be evoked in other forms. I guess this is one reason for writing this blog- to get at some of this stuff, but it is also inspiring me to express it in other ways…

Growth is the only evidence of life.

Its based on an observation that shortly after moments when i think- ‘this is amazing- I think i’ve just had a little glimpse of heaven’, the winds of change set in and the whole dynamic moves on- its almost like just when our desire might be to bottle the moment, or try to preserve the way things are, God steps in and shifts things on- and then when we look back we have this genuinely amazing memory to draw on, as we grapple with new and different dynamics in different places with different people. those memories are like the ice cream sundae at the end of a delicious meal- and by the time the coffee has settled, you are back out on the road.

Two things got me thinking about this- one was small group- which has changed beyond recognition in the past 2 years, but has been awesome- and I can see how God has moved in special ways- its almost like we have had 3 different phases- an amazing time with some extra special people who made everything so easy to lead the group- who you could rely on to step in and pray for people, to have some profound wisdom to share, and who were just fun to be around. I will never forget the last homegroup social we had before Sam died- it was genuinely the most fun evening- and so inspiring to hear what God was doing in her life, and to think what God had for her. It turns out, he wanted her with him in heaven sooner than any of us could imagine- although partly I could reconcile that with the sense that of all the people I knew, Sam would be most at home there- it was almost like her life had brought a glimpse of heaven to earth, and she was now back where she belonged. That brought the beginning of the end of that phase, although the grieving time brought us all a lot closer, and set some amazing things in motion.

In the next phase, things were less clear, with an influx of people who didn’t know each other, and a lot of whom worked at in the same building, creating a funny dynamic, particularly in a time of instability- the contrast to the earlier time couldn’t have been clearer; it definitely felt like people were needing leading- but when you feel like you have nothing to give, then this is tough. I guess I would hope to have learnt that its important to place your trust in Jesus, for it is all in his hands, and to step boldly into the unknown darkness with peace and security. Through this time there have been some special moments, and I am grateful for people sticking with me, particularly my beautiful fiance, through whom I have learnt more what love means and what gracefeels like. So now, where are we?

I feel that we’re on the cusp of changes- sitting around at homegroup on Tuesday it was lovely- it felt like we were all now ‘grown ups’- that the work that God has been doing in us, is leading us all into new phases, which is very exciting, but also a little sad too- for it has been such a significant journey for me having such a great bunch of folk around me, that i’m sad when people move on, yet this is mixed with joy, for I know that God is faithful!

The same is true at work- you go through times of change, and just when things seem to be bedding down and getting established, someone who you know and work well with moves on. This changes the dynamics, and feels like a loss- but then in time, change brings new things and new things are born which you never thought possible before!
I’ve got a book on my desk about the life of Abraham or Abram as he started out. His life was a journey like this- and I think it will be inspiring to read it, and learn from such an extraordinary experience of the faithfulness of God and a simple act of obedience with mindblowing consequences!

What are my thoughts and reflections in the middle of the night? Well, there are lots. I think I need a lot of time to reflect, and I need time and space to myself. It has been a wonder and a relief to have that imposed on me now. My peace of mind and quality of life benefit from it.

But what about those bigger picture things- the dreams, the hopes. I’d love to go to Canada. I’d love to get into photography and painting (for some reason, oils seem to hold an attraction). I’d like to explore Catholic traditions a bit more. I’d like to go on a retreat. I’d like to be able to articulate what i’m feeling more clearly, and to develop the skills to be able to deal with life as it is going on. Often I can analyse things after they have happened, but I get stuck in the middle of things.